


Wish You Were Here

by iihappydaysii, MistressPandora



Category: Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Coming Out, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Saying The Wrong Name During Sex, Thinking of someone else
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-12 15:34:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28887684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iihappydaysii/pseuds/iihappydaysii, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistressPandora/pseuds/MistressPandora
Summary: There's someone Jamie can't stop thinking about, even at the most inopportune times.
Relationships: Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser
Comments: 23
Kudos: 50





	Wish You Were Here

Jamie first noticed his wandering thoughts after Lord John’s last visit to Fraser’s Ridge, the night after John had left. Claire had been on her knees doing truly wonderful things with her mouth. It had been a silent question that rode through his mind and then was gone. _I wonder if John likes doing this?_

That was it. There and gone. And then Jamie had picked up his wife and fucked her thoroughly into the mattress until she was obliged to muffle her screams of pleasure into her pillow.

The questions continued, all while he was in bed with Claire, all about John. _What does John's seed taste like? Would John feel this warm on the inside?_

Even now, weeks removed from Lord John's visit, Claire was under him, naked and making those wee noises she made whenever he bedded her well. Yet, his thoughts strayed. _Could I be rougher with John than with Claire? He's a man after all, sturdier built, a bit younger._ Jamie let out an impatient growl, and without tempering his strength at all, flipped Claire onto her stomach and then yanked her up onto her knees. 

“Jamie,” she gasped, following it with a warm moan. “You’re particularly wild tonight aren’t you? Not that I’m complaining.” Claire shot him a look over her shoulder, hair disheveled, dark want in her eyes. She pushed her hips back towards him, arching like a wildcat. 

Gripping her hips tight, Jamie maneuvered Claire back into place on his cock. Christ, but she was hot and wet around him, and he said as much, thrusting hard into her, slow and deliberate to start. John would be this hot on the inside, surely. And tighter. Perhaps not so wet, but with a bit of oil to ease the way… Jamie groaned and picked up the pace.

Claire groaned, pressing her face into the pillow. She clenched around him with each thrust, letting out a string of muffled words he couldn’t make out entirely beyond the occasional cry of his name or God or more. If he were wild as Claire had said, then this evening she was too. Taking him with a passion to match his own giving. 

Maybe John’s arse _couldn't_ take this pounding. Maybe, if Jamie's cock was slick enough, maybe if he took his time to start. Christ, maybe John _liked_ it to hurt a little. If that was the case, then surely Jamie could fuck him as hard as he liked, as fast as he liked. Could take better advantage of the angle and hold John's sweaty, naked back against his chest while he took him. 

"Christ, Sassenach," Jamie moaned, wrapping an arm around Claire's narrow waist and hauling her up. _John's a sassenach too_. Dear God, what sorts of English noises would _John_ make? Jamie spread his palm over the flat part of Claire's chest, between her breasts, pounding into her.

Claire’s hand wrapped around Jamie’s wrist. She gripped him tight, her fingers pressing into his skin hard enough there might be bruised spots there tomorrow. She guided his hand over to the soft swell of her breast. Disappointment came and went—a wee, swift thing. Still, he found himself inexplicably missing the hard, flatness of that space between. 

So much of John would be flat and smooth and hard. Jamie could wrap his hand around John's hard cock and stroke him roughly to the finish, feel his thick seed spilling over Jamie's hand. _Oh, God,_ that was it. His hand tightened on Claire's breast, harder than he meant to. John wouldn't yelp like that if Jamie squeezed him too hard. He came deep inside her with another growl. "Christ, John."

Claire froze, turned as stone still as a statue, then she pushed back, rolling onto her back and away from Jamie. She threw herself out of bed and took a sheet along with her, holding it over herself. “What in the bloody fuck did you just say?”

"Christ," Jamie said, as a separate curse altogether and not an answer to her question. He'd only mostly finished and the abrupt interruption was rather a shock. He managed to catch his breath though and said at last, "Sassenach." Even he thought it sounded like a terrible lie.

“You said his name.” Claire sounded bewildered, like she was saying it aloud so she could understand it herself. “You said John. Oh my God.” She turned her back to him. “Were you thinking of him when you… oh my God.” 

Jamie scrambled off the bed and went toward her, hands out and slowly as if he were approaching a particularly agitated animal. "Now, Claire, there's a perfectly sensible explanation for what ye heard."

Claire squawked. It was the only word for the sound that came out of her mouth. “Oh, _please._ Tell me. I’m dying to hear the excuse you have for calling out for Lord John while you were fucking me!”

“Ah. Weel.” Jamie opened and closed his mouth, waiting for pure survival instinct to take over and supply him with something resembling either a viable explanation or a cunning redirection. “That is…” Neither came to him. “I’m sorry.”

Claire just shook her head. “You’re sorry. Sorry you said his name out loud. How long have you been doing this? Thinking of him when we fuck. Always? Or do you just pick certain days?” she hissed through shut teeth. 

“It’s no’ _always.”_ He sounded like a child trying to avoid a punishment and the realization of it angered him. “But what if it was, hmm? Are ye going to tell me what I can and cannae think about in my own head now?” 

“And how would you feel if I called out Frank’s name instead of yours?”

That brought Jamie up short. Half a dozen furious and defensive responses tumbled through his mind. _That’s different. Why the hell would ye say Frank’s name? I’m surprised you haven’t been thinking of John yourself, you’ve seen him._ What he went with was a sincere question: “Do ye think about Frank?”

“No,” she said, touching Frank’s ring, most likely without thought. “Not during sex. That’s my whole damn point.”

Jamie squinted at the gold band, at Claire’s fingers brushing it, and felt… a surprising degree of calm. “Weel, for what it’s worth, I dinna think about Frank during sex either.”

Claire’s face turned redder than Jamie’s own hair and she huffed. She snatched a sock she’s been darning from the nightstand and hurled it at Jamie. It fell short of hitting him. “Goddammit, Jamie. This isn’t a joke. Do you know how this makes me feel?” 

“And I’m no’ laughing! I can see ye’re angry, Sassenach.” Jamie inched toward her, hoping to get himself between her and anything heavy or on fire, lest she burn the house down. “I didnae mean to say it, and I said I’m sorry. It’s no’ as if I’ve fucked John behind yer back.” Jamie held up a triumphant index finger. “Aha, and ye _have_ slept with Frank. There, I kent there was a difference.”

“Excuse me for sleeping with my husband,” she muttered, shaking her head. Her face was still twisted and contorted by anger but there was something else there too. A curiosity underlying the more obvious emotions. “And do you wish you had? Maybe not fucked him behind my back, but before… during all those years when we were apart?”

Jamie’s instinct should have been to shake his head, denounce the notion as madness. It should have been, but it wasn’t. And when he really thought about, actually took an honest look at the time when Claire was gone. After Geneva, after Helwater. Before Edinburgh, those nights spent sitting up late, avoiding Laoghaire, perhaps, when his thoughts had lingered on John. “Ye asked me a direct question and I willnae lie to ye. Do ye truly wish to hear me say it out loud?”

Claire hesitated, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. “Yes,” she replied, then swallowed. “I think I deserve to know the truth.” 

“In that case, aye.” Jamie realized he’d started clenching his jaw and relaxed it. “Aye, now that I think on it, I do. I wish I’d made love to him, then. When he was still a bachelor and I was living as a widower. Might have saved us both a lot of loneliness.”

Claire’s eyes shut. They reopened but when they did she wasn’t looking at him, her focus somewhere over his shoulder. “If you’re considering it now, while you’re with me. It’s about more than loneliness. I didn’t even know you were… interested in… well, men.” Now she looked at him with a piercing stare that made its way to his bones. “How could I not have known?”

Jamie blinked at her for a long moment, then said the most honest thing he could think of to say. “Ye had yer secrets, all those years ago. And I had mine.”

“You knew then? Was there ever anyone before me? You said you were a virgin, but then I don’t know if you would have counted… a… a man.” It was clear Claire was still struggling to say what she was realizing was true. 

“ _Knew_ is maybe a strong word for it. I kent there were men I found handsome, same as I kent there were women I found pretty.” The danger of being brained if he turned his back on Claire seemed to have mostly passed, so Jamie retrieved his shirt from the floor and pulled it on. “And that the men roused much the same feeling in me as the women. But I wanted a family and bairns. I wanted you, Sassenach.” He picked up Claire’s shift and held it out to her like an olive branch. “And no, there was no one before ye. That was the entire truth.” 

Claire let out a sigh, then slowly reached out to take her shift. She dropped the sheet and quickly slipped the garment over head. “I wanted you too. I _want_ you. I can’t pretend to understand what that must feel like. So I guess I don’t know. Could you be happy just being with me and only me? Am I enough for you anymore? Was I ever?”

Watching the linen shift fall and settle over Claire’s body, Jamie let his attention drift to all the parts of her that were different from when they’d wed. The elegant streaks of silver in her hair, the laugh lines near her eyes that were there now even when she wasn’t laughing, the way the skin of her wrists and hands was a little thinner now. But then, so much was still the same. The fire was still in her eyes. Her sharp tongue that could practically cleave flesh from bone yet soothed frightened, dying men and lulled bairns to sleep. She wasn’t smiling now, but when she did smile at him… God, it was as if she hung the moon and the stars just for him. 

“Aye,” Jamie said. He would have given anything in that moment to put his arms around her, to hold her until the pain he’d caused her slipped away into memory. But her posture was still closed off. She wasn’t ready, so Jamie gave her space. “Ye’ve always been enough for me, Claire. And ye always will.”

She softened slightly, looking towards him. “Then, I think, if you want, you should talk to John about this. Maybe I’ve finally gone mad, but if this is a part of who you are, then you should explore it safely. With someone you trust.” 

“Wi’—. Ye…” Jamie stammered, certain he must have misunderstood. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “I’m sorry, I must have heard ye wrong. Did ye just say I should… talk to John? About this? That I’m… that I’m attracted to him?”

“Like I said, I’ve probably gone mad, but yes that’s what I said, and I do mean it. I love you, Jamie, enough to not be afraid I’ll lose you. But I do have one stipulation? When you’re with me, you’re with _me._ If you call out his name again, when you’re fucking me, you’re going to wake up with one of your testicles sutured to your forehead, is that clear?” 

Jamie wisely kept his first thought— _would it still be connected elsewhere, or are there wee blades involved?_ —to himself. "Clear as crystal," he said instead. He risked reaching for her hand and pulled her unto his arms. She came after a brief hesitation. "Ye have my word." Jamie pressed a kiss into her hair and lingered there, breathing in the scent of her, fresh and clean and earthy. "I never wanted to hurt ye with this. Thank you. Ye are right mad, though."

**Author's Note:**

> **Cast**
> 
> Claire Fraser - iihappydaysii
> 
> Jamie Fraser - MistressPandora


End file.
